Courtesy of the author
- I had a hard time making friends when I was in school and college.
- I turned to books instead and would read about how to make friends to see if I could learn something.
- I finally learned how to make friends, and here are my tips for doing so.
Making friends never came easily to me. I had the social disaster trifecta: introverted, shy, and relatively awkward.
Throughout school and college, I always envied people who could befriend everyone around them. And while I’d much rather read a book on the train than get stuck talking to the stranger next to me, I always wondered if I lacked something needed to form the lasting friendships I craved.
Books had always provided a form of friendship to me, so of course I turned to the many dedicated to this exact subject: how to make friends. I would consult them for hours, reading them more than once and taking notes on the steps they guaranteed would help me find friends. But a lot of the advice seemed more geared toward extroverts.
While the advice books gave me made sense, I realized I had to do that in a way that still stayed true to who I am. Here’s how I did that.
Start with common interests
The key to this is not giving up if you don’t click with one group immediately. I tried several Bible studies, for example, before finding the right one. While it’s frustrating to try multiple groups and put yourself out there, it’s definitely worth it when you finally click with people — and realize you don’t have to look anymore.
Put in the time and effort
While it sounds obvious, I feel comfortable around my friends because I’ve spent time with them and know they care about me like I care about them. But this didn’t happen overnight.
When I first joined the Bible study, where I found most of my friends, I felt shy and hesitant to share much about myself. Now, I count these women as some of my best friends. But in the time in between, we all put in the effort to create the relationships we treasure now.
Be the first to reach out
Putting in effort isn’t always a mutual endeavor — in any relationship, there are times when one person just doesn’t have as much bandwidth. While this used to offend me, I now know it usually has nothing to do with the friendship itself but more one person’s ability to be present in the relationship.
With my friends now, I’m incredibly fortunate that when I’m stressed or overwhelmed, they show grace to me and step up where I can’t.
Many of my past friendships didn’t work out because we both stopped putting in the effort — and now I know that even if the other person stops, I need to maintain my side for the relationship to survive. I’d pull away in the past, thinking the other person didn’t care. But sometimes, it just means the one not drowning helps us stay afloat.
Be quick to forgive — and ask for forgiveness
I used to hold on to old slights, thinking I was protecting myself from feeling wronged again. But I was really just blocking myself from developing meaningful connections. It’s amazing what happens when you let the walls down and just admit when you’re wrong.
Recently, I had a disagreement with a friend, and instead of letting myself feel resentful (which would have been my natural reaction years ago), I reached out to him to apologize, and we worked it out. For a friendship to last, the other person must matter more than our pride.
Go out of your comfort zone — when it makes sense
Sometimes, developing a deeper relationship with others means doing something you’d usually say no to. This year, my Bible study went to the mountains for one of our friend’s birthday, and while I’m usually terrified of traveling, I said yes anyway. I’ll never regret hanging out on the deck of our cabin with my friends late at night, hiking the Smoky Mountains, wondering if we’d see a bear, and ordering what I wanted for breakfast because I felt comfortable enough around the people I was with.
I’m beyond grateful to have found several beautiful friendships over the last few years. Together, we’ve tried new things (like line dancing — something I would have never imagined myself doing even a year ago) and experienced the joy of spending so much time with people you pick up on each other’s catchphrases and adopt them as your own.
While I’m glad there are books on how to make friends, I’m grateful I no longer need to consult them — I’ve found my people.
