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- For Love & Money is a weekly Business Insider column answering relationship and money questions.
- This week, a reader disagrees with their fiancée on whether to buy a home or rent.
- Our columnist says it’s important to discuss the underlying reasons each partner wants what they want.
- Got a question for our columnist? Write to For Love & Money using this Google form.
Dear For Love & Money,
My fiancée and I disagree on buying a house versus renting. I say buying a home is an investment, while she says it’s a major financial burden. Who’s right?
Sincerely,
At Odds
Dear At Odds,
You and your fiancée disagree on something that has become a popular topic of debate in recent years. For decades, getting on the property ladder and having a house with a picket fence was central to the American dream.
However, this has become financially unfeasible for many people, and the social expectation of home ownership is far less definitive. While experts have and will continue debating what the average person should do, the truth is that whether home ownership or renting is better depends on the individual.
Buying was the better option for me and my family because our mortgage payment is significantly lower than renting for a family our size in our town. We also received a significant portion of the down payment on our first home from my husband’s grandmother — a financial gift contingent on purchasing a house.
We were excited about painting a house, knocking down walls, and adding bathrooms, and that desire outweighed the burden of not having a landlord to assist us with the cost of repairs. Buying has paid off for us. When it was time to sell, the value of our first house doubled, putting us in a great position to buy our current home.
However, some people would see the money and time we’ve poured into landscaping and repairs as not worth it at any price. This is why, ultimately, it depends on your particular circumstances. Where you live, the makeup of your income and savings, your long-term goals, and what success means to you are all factors worth considering. You don’t need an official ruling from an external source to tell you it’s right or wrong.
That said, external sources can provide guidance when it comes to high-stakes decisions. So, to understand what that external ruling might be, I contacted certified financial planner Justin Rush. Rush also said it comes down to the individual, because either option has benefits and costs. Rush pointed out that renting offers flexibility, but home ownership offers security.
Having a landlord means someone else will take care of your repairs, but that same person can choose to raise your rent. Buying a home is a strategy for building wealth, but you must also factor in the significant cost of home maintenance over the years. Your roof and driveway will need to be repaired or replaced now and then. Rush says that the value of a home often appreciates — but sometimes they depreciate.
All of this assumes you can afford the steep upfront costs of moving from renting to buying. Rush suggested looking into smaller banks and credit unions, which often offer great incentives for first-time home buyers, and researching other programs designed to help people get on the property ladder to help with the transition.
But let’s say you look at the numbers and find it is cheaper to buy than rent in your area, and you’ll have it paid off when you’re ready for retirement. Better still, you find a credit union offering an incredible incentive that allows you to get started without making an enormous down payment. So, you take this winning case and present it to your fiancée. You’re right. She’s wrong. You’ve proven that buying is the smarter option for you both. None of this means your fiancée will automatically concede the point because these big life choices are rarely as simple as a few winning data points.
Underneath the questions of dollar signs and right or wrong are softer but no less important factors — like watching your parents turn down incredible job opportunities because they have a mortgage to consider, private fantasies of giving it all up for an RV and the open road, or lying awake at night spinning about hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of debt on your back.
This goes both ways, however. Maybe you were kicked out of a childhood home because your landlord died and their kids wanted to sell. Maybe when you close your eyes and dream big, you see a large house in the countryside crawling with children and dogs. Or maybe you lay awake at night worrying that you haven’t invested or saved enough, and buying a house will put you at ease.
You and your fiancée must be open with one another about what’s going on beneath this difference of opinion because those softer considerations will guide you toward compromises that will genuinely work for both of you. This could mean agreeing to rent, save, and begin your house hunt in 2030. It could mean not buying a house unless it meets specific conditions. Maybe the answer is buying a home — but committing to selling it should any great life opportunities arise. Or perhaps renting forever but finding other ways to invest and put down roots is the answer.
As in any difference of opinion with a loved one, the key is figuring out what works for you both. This means concession and compromise and not getting stuck on who’s right and who’s wrong. You’re marrying this woman. What’s right for you now is what will make both of you happy. Numbers will only give you half the story; the other half will only be found in your love for one another.
Rooting for you,
For Love & Money
Looking for advice on how your savings, debt, or another financial challenge is affecting your relationships? Write to For Love & Money using this Google form.
